Not Your Preschooler's Candy Hearts

February 14, 2017

 

If you must partake in this, "feelings of loneliness and inadequacy perpetuating," holiday, there is only one festive novelty item that I see fit to give, candy hearts. However, these are not your average romantic treats that I speak of, they are in fact "X-Rated."

Although compared to my version of, "X-Rated" these candies are tame, they will do just fine to shock and amuse the masses. Sure, sentiments like, "I Love You," "Hug Me," and "XOXO," are cute and can make your insides feel all warm and fuzzy (when received from a person you can stomach of course), but these phrases just don't quite "do it" for me. What you really mean with that box of chocolates is, "Fuck Me," so you might as well just come out and say it. I'm pretty positive that if I received such a box of treats from the most loathsome and disgusting of candidates, the exchange would most certainly elicit a chuckle and absolutely major props to whoever handed me the box. I would expect the same for my readers.

So, if you're not sure whether or not to make that first move today, or how to not fuck up your first Valentine's Day with your current partner, or how to fake to your partner of 10 years that you haven't run out of ideas or you're not a square, go with these. The Anal Artist approves, and like I said, regardless of your relationship, (lover, co-worker, friend, family, foe), the receiver is sure to swoon, blush, or die laughing, and probably ask you a follow up question to the effect of, "OMG Where did you get these?!," organically sparking a conversation whilst simultaneously calming your shaking in your own boots. And personally, I would rather any of those sugar coated profanity heart responses than a look of disgust, a hesitant slowly executed, "Thaaanks?," or a vomiting on my $200 shoes from any other bright ideas you might have had.

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Beauty is in the eye of the buttholder.