A Footful of Life Hacks

September 2, 2017

Not all life hacks are created equal, or practical for that matter. I am pretty anal about both my routines and methods to my madness, thus these eases of operation have been tried and tested by yours truly. They are also accomplished with the greatest facility, in a minute (as in 60 seconds) or less, because let's face it, these days I'm lucky if I can sit still and meditate for that long. Plus, there are way too many new series being released daily that I need to binge on.

 

1. Do your feet smell like mine do? Tried Odor Eaters spray, powder, or insoles, even with socks? Do you have shoes that stink uncontrollably because they are meant to be worn barefoot, like sandals, loafers, and sexy pumps? Well, you might want to marry me after I reveal this one: DEODORANT. That's right, that shit that prevents your underarms from smelling like a homeless wet dog 24/7. Simply swipe left and right on your pits as usual, then swipe left and right on the soles of your feet and place them directly into your shoes or socks.

 

I'm telling you, I've spent 50 hours traveling including a red eye and my feet smelled like flowers when I finally took my socks off, I even tried to make other people smell them. Weirded out by touching your armpits and feet with the same device? BUY A 2-PACK! Personally, I have my pit deodorant and my foot deodorant, respectively.

 

2. Do you have gross, dry, cracked feet regardless of how they smell? Well, you can still take them off during sex (if that's a pet peeve of yours) but you best be starting to wear some socks to bed. When putting on your pjs or taking off your clothes to sleep naked, get yourself a fistful of squirts from that lotion bottle you use to masturbate (and moisturize your limbs) with. Smother each of your feet in it. Rub in as much as you can (on soles, between the toes, on top), however an extra gooey layer will do you good--- followed by a nice sock. The sock isn't 'solely' necessary so you don't slip or spread lotion all over your floor and bed, it acts as mask or wrap to lock in that warm moisture with your own natural body heat, resulting in what I like to call a foot coma. If it wasn't clear, repeat this slather and sock mummification on both of your feet {left and right). That's it! Go to bed! Oh, now be prepared to wake up to some super soft 5-toed puppies you might even let other people take a peek at.

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Beauty is in the eye of the buttholder.